KC Chiefs: Deadspin’s 2018 edition of why Chiefs suck doesn’t disappoint

Every summer, Deadspin does its”Why Your Team Sucks” series where it discusses every team in the NFL and why that particular team sucks. It’s the KC Chiefs’ turn and Deadspin didn’t hold back any punches.

For those of you who aren’t great with cruel humor and get legitimately angry when people criticize the Kansas City Chiefs, this particular post might not be for you. Drew Magary, the guy who does all of these posts, really rips into whichever team is the subject of the series, taking shots at the team, the city, the fans, and anything else under the sun.

I’m the type of person who can joke about my team’s undoings so these “Why Your Team Sucks” posts always make me laugh because I can relate to the misery. If that’s not your cup of tea, however, feel free to exit out of this post now.

Now that we’ve gotten that unpleasantry out of the way, let’s dive into Drew Magary’s mockery of the Kansas City Chiefs, shall we?

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First thing’s first, Magary starts by reminding all of us of that January postseason loss to the Tennessee Titans. For those of you who have forgotten, the Chiefs were up 21-3 at half time and went on to lose the game in epic fashion because OF COURSE THEY DID.

Unfortunately, I was at that playoff game and as soon as Marcus Mariota caught his own pass and ran it in for a touchdown, I knew the Chiefs were going to lose. I had seen this story unfold time and time again in the playoffs, so why would this game be any different?

The next section is about the head coach and Magary has plenty to say on that matter. He notes that Andy Reid is a good coach for the first half of the season and then starts to transform into playoff Andy Reid.

"His teams are so much fun to watch for, like, nine weeks … right before everything falls apart. When everything is on the line, they will morph into the most turgid, lifeless team you’ve ever seen. It’s Andy’s hallmark."

Next up in the mocking is Patrick Mahomes, who hasn’t done anything good or bad yet, so Magary  jumped on the fan base for building him up so much. He slammed Chiefs fans for wanting Mahomes to be the starter so bad when Alex Smith went to the playoffs in four of the five years he spent in Kansas City.

"You guys creamed your pants over Mahomes because he can throw a football more than five feet, and that fever dream just cost you one of the few decent QBs you’ve ever had."

The next section discusses something new that sucks and in this case, it’s Sammy Watkins, who got a big contract from the Chiefs this offseason. Magary compliments the Chiefs existing core of Tyreek Hill, Kareem Hunt, and Travis Kelce, noting that the Chiefs didn’t need to go out and make this move.

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The next part of that section was slamming the organization for trading Marcus Peters, which I won’t argue against. Magary dropped this line that made me laugh even though it probably shouldn’t have,

"People in D.C. liked Fuller a lot, which a clear indication to me that he’s worthless."

One of the more comical sections is “What has always sucked” and this is where the author really just drills the franchise in question. In this year’s edition, Magary goes on and on about how the Chiefs only exist to be the answer “NO” to a lot of questions.

"Are the Chiefs a serious contender in the AFC? Are the Chiefs secretly the most innovative team in the NFL? Is Andy Reid an underappreciated genius? Are Kansas City fans the best fans? Will I remember the Chiefs for anything more notable than that one Snickers ad? NO NO NO NO AND NO."

I laughed incredibly hard at all of this because as much as we all believe the Kansas City Chiefs will be good someday, history says otherwise. As soon as we all start to jump on that Super Bowl bandwagon, a loss to the Steelers in the playoffs without them scoring a touchdown happens or a quarterback catching his own pass for a touchdown happens.

The worst part of these is when Magary goes into a rant against each city. You can trash my football team all you want, but don’t crap on my city, man. He jokes that every city has fountains and even goes as far as to say that Texas has better barbecue than Kansas City. Yeah, no. Enough of that.

The “What might not suck” section is about how Laurent Duvernay-Tardif can’t put “M.D” on his jersey. We all stand by that.

Next is the “Let’s remember a guy who sucked” and that honor went to former quarterback Matt Blundin, who the Chiefs drafted in the second round in 1992. Blundin had the build to be the next big thing at quarterback, but would throw just two passes. Sounds about right for the Chiefs.

Last, but not least is always my favorite section and it’s “Let’s hear it from the fans!” This is where every day people like you and me can submit our painful stories pertaining to our miserable time as Chiefs fans. These are always funny to me because I can relate to almost all of the comments. I should send my own submission in next year!

Please remember these posts are meant to be funny and don’t get too worked up about anything said here. Magary does these for every team in the NFL and they’re all equally brutal to whatever team is the subject that day.

If you made it through this post and laughed most of the way through, congrats! You and I have the same sick sense of humor apparently. Now we can be friends.