Kansas City Royals: A horror movie for each season of the past decade

2018

Kansas City Royals: 58-104

Movie: 1996’s Scream

Man, I hope you all love the Scream franchise as much as I do. Let’s unpack some of its greatness really quickly:

• In the first movie, when Matthew Lillard’s character, Stu, cries, “My mom and dad are gonna be so mad at me!” (Matthew Lillard is great.)
• When Laurie Metcalf is revealed to be one of the two killers in Scream 2. (Laurie Metcalf is great.)
• When Patrick Dempsey plays a detective in Scream 3. (McDreamy is great.)
• When David Arquette’s character, Dewey, gets hit in the head by the handle of a knife in Scream 3. (David Arquette is great.)
• Any scene involving Courtney Cox and/or Neve Campbell. (Cox and Campbell are great.)

Not-so-great moments in the Scream franchise: a) when Henry Winkler’s character dies in the first one, b) when Jamie Kennedy’s character dies in the second one, and c) Scream 4.

But there’s one particular death scene from the original Scream that reminds me a lot of the 2018 Royals, a team that blundered its way to 104 losses and still somehow didn’t earn the No. 1 draft pick: the Rose McGowan death scene. (Rose McGowan is great.)

McGowan plays Tatum Riley, Campbell’s character’s bestie and Arquette’s character’s sister. She also dates Lillard’s Stu, one of the two killers in the first movie. (If that spoiled it for you, come on: it’s been 23 years).

During a party, Tatum is killed by Stu after she tries to escape him by going through what appears to be a doggy door in the garage, getting stuck, and then having the garage door closed with her stuck in said doggy door.

And that’s exactly what I think of when I think about the 2018 Kansas City Royals: getting stuck in the doggy door of a garage only to have the garage closed while stuck in said doggy door.