XFL: All the questions about the new XFL team names

On Wednesday, the XFL–which returns in February 2020 for its second attempt at Spring Football and once again run by Vince McMahon–announced each franchise’s team name as well as the team’s logo.

Previously, the XFL announced the eight cities that would host a franchise as well as the coaching staffs for those franchises. The biggest name of the group belongs to Dallas, where former Oklahoma Sooner head coach Bob Stoops is the head coach and general manager.

Surprisingly, only one city that landed a team does not have an NFL franchise: our Missouri brethren to the east, St. Louis.

After the league dropped the team names and logos, I had questions. All the questions, really. Below, I dive into those questions. There may not be answers to these questions, but these questions still need to be asked, dang it!

Let’s start in the Eastern Conference, in Da Capital.

Eastern Conference

D.C. Defenders: Was the goal to have the league’s worst logo?

Because, if so, mission accomplished. Not the worst team name, but awfully similar to New York’s, which we’ll get to in a minute. Yet, “Defenders” also conjures memories* of a failed Marvel-Netflix show that went by the same name except for a The before it. That logo, though: yawn.

*Never watched it, honestly.

Tampa Bay Vipers: Will there be live mascots at the games?

Look, I’m only a doctor by right of my last name, so don’t expect me to know where vipers live. I was going to go with, Do snakes exist in Florida? but then I recalled that Mar-a-Lago is in Palm Beach.

Tampa Bay residents deserve some good football after years of Buccaneers futility. While they may not get it with the XFL in 2020, at least give the fans some entertainment: bring on the live mascots! Have a pit of them! Let’s do this thing!

P.S.–Much like Dr. Henry Jones Jr., I hate snakes.

St. Louis BattleHawks: What the hell is a BattleHawk?

According to the logo, a BattleHawk (which, by the way, is not a word), is a hawk, or similar bird-like creature, with a sword right through the middle. According to the hype video starring the Colts’ oft-injured quarterback’s dad, it’s part hawk, part combat jet. That’s kind of neat, but there’s no jet viewed in the logo. So, maybe not? I don’t know.

Alternative name: St. Louis Toasted Ravs.

New York Guardians: Uh, what–what are they guarding?

The animal in the logo appears to be some sort of demonic cougar, yet the team’s named the Guardians. I…I don’t understand. Please explain yourself, Kevin Gilbride.

Western Conference

Seattle Dragons: They couldn’t come up with a better looking dragon?

Has the person who designed this logo never seen Game of Thrones? Has that person not looked through one of the numerous art books depicting dragons from the book series on which that television show was based? Drogon would destroy this dragon in half-a-minute! The Black Dread wouldn’t even deem it necessary of fighting, leaving it to Vhagar.

Come on, Seattle! I refuse to believe that I’m nerdier than all of you!

Los Angeles Wildcats: Does L.A. know they have an XFL franchise?

Los Angelenos don’t seem to care all that much about the Rams or Chargers, so will they even care about the laziest-named team with the laziest-looking logo in the XFL? Is that supposed to be a wildcat’s tail in the A in the logo?

You can tell the XFL forgot they had a Los Angeles franchise until like noon yesterday, then had to scramble to come with a name and a logo after Winston Moss, the team’s head coach, dropped by and was like, “Hey, guys? What about us?”

Houston Roughnecks: They know they’re using the old Houston Oilers logo, right?

Just spruced it up enough as to avoid litigation. Solid move. Respect.

Dallas Renegades: Is Bob Stoops already regretting this?

No, this question isn’t about the team name or logo. The name is alright, one of the best, if not the best, in the league. The logo’s kind of cool, tool, though I’m pretty sure I can create that in create-a-franchise on either Madden or the latest NHL on PlayStation. Let’s hope the league didn’t pay that much for it.

But, really: Bob Stoops looks like the face of the franchise outside of Oliver Luck. And a hell of a lot more people know who Stoops is.

When the team names and logos dropped yesterday, I can just imagine Stoops’ face drooping as he slowly shakes his head, closes his eyes, and pinches the bridge of his nose. He went from competing against teams with classic nicknames like Longhorns and Cowboys and Horned Frogs and Wildca–

You know what? This isn’t all that different from the Big 12. Stoops should do just fine right up until the championship game.