9 Reasons To Root Against The St. Louis Cardinals

There are few places on the internet more addictive and entertaining as Buzzfeed. How could one possible not click on “44 Pictures of Scared Bros at a Haunted House in 2013” or a ranking of the all-time love interests of Mary-Kate and Ashley movies or “21 Most Touching Interspecies Friendships You Never Thought Possible“?

So it was to our utter horror when we found out what BuzzFeed allowed to be posted last week on their site.

BuzzFeed nearly caused a worldwide problem greater than the government shutdown with a post giving readers fifteen reasons to root for the St. Louis Cardinals. Not only was the list complete crap, but it misleaded the reader into thinking the Cardinals are a team one should actually root for.

Fortunately, KC Kingdom is here to rectify this disturbing lapse of judgement from BuzzFeed. In are best (read: not very good) attempt at being BuzzFeed-y, here are nine reasons why you should be rooting against the Cardinals.

1. Cardinal fans like to refer to themselves as the “Best Fans in Baseball.” Note “refer to themselves” part.

It is hard to find tweets on Baseball’s Best Fans (@BestFansStLouis) timeline that don’t use homophobic slurs, n-word and other racist terms, or language we feel comfortable posting on this site. Here are a few of the most tame tweets we could find.

2. St. Louis ownership once thought it was a good idea to re-name the team “Perfectos.” 

St. Louis changed their name to the “Perfectos” in 1899 after spending the first 17 seasons as the Brown Stockings/Browns. Admittedly, Brown Stockings is a terrible name, but “Perfectos”? It was such a terrible decision they switched to “Cardinals” in 1900.

Any franchise that once called themselves the “Perfectos” deserves to be rooted against.

Also: Moooooooose!

3. Cardinals are essentially the Yankees of the midwest.

Oct 9, 2013; St. Louis, MO, USA; St. Louis Cardinals starting pitcher Adam Wainwright (50) celebrates with teammates after game five of the National League divisional series playoff baseball game against the Pittsburgh Pirates at Busch Stadium. The Cardinals won 6-1. Mandatory Credit: Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

Let’s be clear: The Cardinals have been the most successful National League franchise in baseball history. St. Louis has won 11 World Series and been to seven more. Only the Yankees have been to and won more titles than the Cardinals.

Fans of underdogs should always be rooting against St. Louis.

4. “Tim Tebow in organizational form.”

Nov 6, 2011; Oakland, CA, USA; Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow (15) kneels in prayer before the game against the Oakland Raiders at the O.co Coliseum. The Broncos defeated the Raiders 38-24. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-USA TODAY Sports

If there was ever a paragraph that better explained the perception of an organization it is this one from Drew Magary of Deadspin.

"They are Tim Tebow in baseball organization form. They are a church casserole made out of cream of mushroom soup and Minute Rice. They are a horrible family staring at a Norman Rockwell painting of itself. It’s no coincidence that sabermetric punching bag David Eckstein spent a few years playing for the Cardinals, because no team in any sport puffs up its grittiness credentials quite like this one."

/standing ovation/

Reaction to his column by Cardinals fans was just as amazing.

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We now take this break to show you gratuitous pictures of cute animals.

Awww…

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5. Mark McGwire, Cardinal legend, is one of the major figures in MLB’s steroid era. It took him over a decade to admit his use of PEDs. 

March 17, 2012; Lakeland, FL, USA; St. Louis Cardinals batting coach Mark McGwire (25) watches batting practice before a spring training game against the Detroit Tigers at Joker Marchant Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Are you a person who is very much against the use of steroids? Meet Cardinals deity Mark McGwire.

6. Tony LaRussa.

Let’s ignore all of the silly shifts, needless pitching changes, and condescending comments to fans. Let’s focus on the “he almost killed someone” part.

HAHA! DUI’s are hilarious!!! He could have killed someone!!! HAHA!

But, hey, he’s a baseball genius so it’s all good.

How did Cardinals fans respond to the LaRussa news? (via ESPN)

"When La Russa walked onto the field before Thursday’s game, many fans stood and applauded."

7. Tim McCarver has ruined nationally televised baseball for years.

St. Louis gave us Tim McCarvers, the man who has single-handedly ruined many a postseason broadcast.

He also did this to Metalica’s “Enter Sandman.”

And have I mentioned yet that he has an album called “Tim McCarver Sings Selections from the Great American Songbook“? Kansas City brought the world Charlie Parker, St. Louis gave the world… whatever it is McCarver is doing here.

8. Joe Buck loves baseball so much he doesn’t even watch it! Wait, that’s not a good thing.

Nov 22, 2012; Arlington, TX, USA; Fox announcers Troy Aikman (left) and Joe Buck on the field prior to the game with the Dallas Cowboys playing against the Washington Redskins on Thanksgiving at Cowboys Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Joe Buck’s broadcasting career doesn’t happen without Jack Buck, and Jack Buck’s broadcasting career doesn’t happen without the Cardinals. Therefore, the Cardinals are the reason why we all have to deal with Joe Buck.

It’s all transitive property or something like that.

Buck_0001

9. Anheuser-Busch uses alcoholism to fund the Cardinals. (No hyperbole here. Nope. All completely true.)

Oct 19, 2012; St. Louis, MO, USA; Fans enter Busch Stadium prior to game five of the 2012 NLCS between the St. Louis Cardinals and the San Francisco Giants. Mandatory Credit: Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

This Belgian company used to own the St. Louis Cardinals but have reduced their influence to just having their name plastered all their stadium. A-B makes a tasteless, watered-down beer, sells it to people under the guise of “this is a great tasting cheap beer” and then turns that money over to the Cardinals so they steal Carlos Beltran away. Thanks for nothing, InBev… er, Anheuser-Busch.

So, for the love of everything holy, do not root for the Cardinals.