9 Reasons To Root Against The St. Louis Cardinals

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There are few places on the internet more addictive and entertaining as Buzzfeed. How could one possible not click on “44 Pictures of Scared Bros at a Haunted House in 2013” or a ranking of the all-time love interests of Mary-Kate and Ashley movies or “21 Most Touching Interspecies Friendships You Never Thought Possible“?

So it was to our utter horror when we found out what BuzzFeed allowed to be posted last week on their site.

BuzzFeed nearly caused a worldwide problem greater than the government shutdown with a post giving readers fifteen reasons to root for the St. Louis Cardinals. Not only was the list complete crap, but it misleaded the reader into thinking the Cardinals are a team one should actually root for.

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Fortunately, KC Kingdom is here to rectify this disturbing lapse of judgement from BuzzFeed. In are best (read: not very good) attempt at being BuzzFeed-y, here are nine reasons why you should be rooting against the Cardinals.

1. Cardinal fans like to refer to themselves as the “Best Fans in Baseball.” Note “refer to themselves” part.

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It is hard to find tweets on Baseball’s Best Fans (@BestFansStLouis) timeline that don’t use homophobic slurs, n-word and other racist terms, or language we feel comfortable posting on this site. Here are a few of the most tame tweets we could find.

 

 

 

2. St. Louis ownership once thought it was a good idea to re-name the team “Perfectos.” 

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St. Louis changed their name to the “Perfectos” in 1899 after spending the first 17 seasons as the Brown Stockings/Browns. Admittedly, Brown Stockings is a terrible name, but “Perfectos”? It was such a terrible decision they switched to “Cardinals” in 1900.

Any franchise that once called themselves the “Perfectos” deserves to be rooted against.

Also: Moooooooose!

3. Cardinals are essentially the Yankees of the midwest.

Oct 9, 2013; St. Louis, MO, USA; St. Louis Cardinals starting pitcher Adam Wainwright (50) celebrates with teammates after game five of the National League divisional series playoff baseball game against the Pittsburgh Pirates at Busch Stadium. The Cardinals won 6-1. Mandatory Credit: Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

Let’s be clear: The Cardinals have been the most successful National League franchise in baseball history. St. Louis has won 11 World Series and been to seven more. Only the Yankees have been to and won more titles than the Cardinals.

Fans of underdogs should always be rooting against St. Louis.

4. “Tim Tebow in organizational form.”

Nov 6, 2011; Oakland, CA, USA; Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow (15) kneels in prayer before the game against the Oakland Raiders at the O.co Coliseum. The Broncos defeated the Raiders 38-24. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-USA TODAY Sports

If there was ever a paragraph that better explained the perception of an organization it is this one from Drew Magary of Deadspin.

They are Tim Tebow in baseball organization form. They are a church casserole made out of cream of mushroom soup and Minute Rice. They are a horrible family staring at a Norman Rockwell painting of itself. It’s no coincidence that sabermetric punching bag David Eckstein spent a few years playing for the Cardinals, because no team in any sport puffs up its grittiness credentials quite like this one.

/standing ovation/

Reaction to his column by Cardinals fans was just as amazing.

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We now take this break to show you gratuitous pictures of cute animals.

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Awww…

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5. Mark McGwire, Cardinal legend, is one of the major figures in MLB’s steroid era. It took him over a decade to admit his use of PEDs. 

March 17, 2012; Lakeland, FL, USA; St. Louis Cardinals batting coach Mark McGwire (25) watches batting practice before a spring training game against the Detroit Tigers at Joker Marchant Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Are you a person who is very much against the use of steroids? Meet Cardinals deity Mark McGwire.

6. Tony LaRussa.

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Let’s ignore all of the silly shifts, needless pitching changes, and condescending comments to fans. Let’s focus on the “he almost killed someone” part.

HAHA! DUI’s are hilarious!!! He could have killed someone!!! HAHA!

But, hey, he’s a baseball genius so it’s all good.

How did Cardinals fans respond to the LaRussa news? (via ESPN)

When La Russa walked onto the field before Thursday’s game, many fans stood and applauded.

7. Tim McCarver has ruined nationally televised baseball for years.

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St. Louis gave us Tim McCarvers, the man who has single-handedly ruined many a postseason broadcast.

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He also did this to Metalica’s “Enter Sandman.”

And have I mentioned yet that he has an album called “Tim McCarver Sings Selections from the Great American Songbook“? Kansas City brought the world Charlie Parker, St. Louis gave the world… whatever it is McCarver is doing here.

8. Joe Buck loves baseball so much he doesn’t even watch it! Wait, that’s not a good thing.

Nov 22, 2012; Arlington, TX, USA; Fox announcers Troy Aikman (left) and Joe Buck on the field prior to the game with the Dallas Cowboys playing against the Washington Redskins on Thanksgiving at Cowboys Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Joe Buck’s broadcasting career doesn’t happen without Jack Buck, and Jack Buck’s broadcasting career doesn’t happen without the Cardinals. Therefore, the Cardinals are the reason why we all have to deal with Joe Buck.

It’s all transitive property or something like that.


Buck_0001 by bsap11

9. Anheuser-Busch uses alcoholism to fund the Cardinals. (No hyperbole here. Nope. All completely true.)

Oct 19, 2012; St. Louis, MO, USA; Fans enter Busch Stadium prior to game five of the 2012 NLCS between the St. Louis Cardinals and the San Francisco Giants. Mandatory Credit: Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

Oct 19, 2012; St. Louis, MO, USA; Fans enter Busch Stadium prior to game five of the 2012 NLCS between the St. Louis Cardinals and the San Francisco Giants. Mandatory Credit: Jeff Curry-USA TODAY Sports

This Belgian company used to own the St. Louis Cardinals but have reduced their influence to just having their name plastered all their stadium. A-B makes a tasteless, watered-down beer, sells it to people under the guise of “this is a great tasting cheap beer” and then turns that money over to the Cardinals so they steal Carlos Beltran away. Thanks for nothing, InBev… er, Anheuser-Busch.

So, for the love of everything holy, do not root for the Cardinals.

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Topics: Kansas City Royals, St. Louis Cardinals

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  • Dustin Massie

    Preach! I live in St. Louis. They deserve a run of royals like futility like no other fan base in the world.

  • Joel Wagler

    You forgot how they are still whining about the 1985 World Series. It’s been 28 years – forget about it. Of course, if the Cardinals wouldn’t have quit like little babies when things didn’t go their way, they might have bothered to actually show up for game 7.

    • jayhwk01

      It is so much easier for Cards fans to whine about the umpires than admit what the rest of the baseball knows and that is the Cardinals imploded and quit in game 7.

  • Clark78

    Lol. You talk about whining. How many World Series titles do the Royals have? Division titles? Better yet how many winning seasons? Please quit making yourselves look ignorant. It’s pretty bad just cause you can’t remember the last time you had a team to root for in October you have to root against another. Lol. Grow up you Royal loser.

    • Dustin Massie

      And this is exactly the kind of classy behavior literally every other baseball fan expects when they come to st. Cesspool…Louis, sorry, I meant to say St. Louis. Man, that’s weird.

    • jayhwk01

      Comparing division titles and World Series titles is silly. That would kind be like asking how come a 1st grader does not have as many gold stars as a 6th grader. By sheer amount of years in existence comparing is silly. The Cardinals SHOULD have more titles, HOFs, and pretty much everything else. All of the above is rather beside the point. The point is the Cardinals simply are the most obnoxious and intolerable fan base in baseball. In that regard they even eclipse the Yankees which is a monumental achievement…..I guess.

  • Clark78

    By the way who cares about the 85 series. We have won since then have the Royals?

  • Clark78

    Talk about classy. Maybe someday royals fans can grow up a little if their team ever could win. Probably never happen but there is always next year right? Bet you say that a lot.

  • Clark78

    I just think its funny that all you Kansas Shitty Royals fans can talk about is beating St. Louis 28 years ago. Must be rough. Oh we’ll. there’s always next year. Believe. Lol

  • Clark78

    And by the way since when did sports teams success not come down to titles? Even if you were to compare since 85 the numbers are astronomical. Cards a 100 times better team and organization and fan base. Live with it it’s true.

  • jimfetterolf

    Only reason to root for the Cardinals is they are a Missouri team, so the state gets more revenue the longer they last. My preference is the Cards against the Tigers with Detroit winning in seven games.

    As for Cardinal fans, I know some, they seem to need vicarious victory in their personal lives while folks on the west side of the state can look at baseball as entertainment because they have jobs and families and houses at the lake and have feelings of personal worth. Maybe if the Cards lose, Jeff City can soothe their feelings by building them some new stadia or something, maybe give some more wasted tax credits for the latest airport scam or development. Give the spoiled child a cookie, works every time.

  • Clark78

    19 National league championships. Soon to be 12 World Series trophies. How do you like us now. Lol